• Copy By: Josie Santi
  • Characteristic Epitome Past: Shutterstock

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So yous met someone, and it's going pretty well. You've been on a few dates, y'all're texting every day, and all signs are pointing to this turning into something. Or possibly you lot've been dating for so long that your relationship is comfy, and you experience perfectly fine. But then that nagging feeling creeps in the back of your listen: A re they really "the i" or am I wasting my time trying to force a relationship? The truth is that when yous know, you know, merely when you're not sure, you know too; information technology'southward just harder to admit because what you know in that case leads to a breakup.

We've all stayed with people nosotros know aren't right for usa simply choose to ignore the gut feeling. We stay because it's easier than beingness alone, we "should" similar the other person, or we're worried there won't be anyone else. Perhaps this person checks all the boxes, only there's just something missing . Y'all know the breakup cliche "it's not you; it's me?" Well, sometimes, it'southward not you, but information technology'south not me either; it'due south the "us" that doesn't work. Chemical science is unpredictable, and compatibility (or incompatibility) isn't always something you can anticipate. Information technology's difficult to know something's missing when you can't put your finger on what it is.

But since you deserve undeniable love and a happy, lasting relationship, read on for 12 signs yous might exist forcing that spark and your significant other is not really "The I."

i. You want a relationship more than you want the person

If you have been hoping for a relationship for a long time, feel pressure level to be coupled up, or are sick of feeling solitary, you may be more in love with the idea of a human relationship than with this person. To decipher betwixt wanting the person or wanting the human relationship, think about whether or not y'all'd be friends with this person. Would you want to be effectually them, even if it was platonic or a relationship was non an selection? What if this person never wanted to get married or lived across the state? Would yous still want to be with them, or would you move on to someone more convenient? If you're only with this person due to user-friendly circumstances or wanting a relationship, odds are, you're more in love with beingness in a human relationship than with the person.

2. You lot're self-conscious

Spark or not, if y'all're with someone who stifles you, makes you feel like you have to conscience yourself, or causes you lot to overthink your words and actions, it is not a true partnership. Even if there is "a spark," information technology's chemistry between your significant other and a censored version of you; why would you even want that spark anyway? If the relationship is dependent on y'all walking on eggshells to go far work, it's non worth wasting your time on.

iii. The relationship doesn't recover from arguments

When information technology comes to disagreements in a human relationship, we abound up learning almost mixed messages. We either expect a passionate dear affair (à la The Notebook ) where a spark means constant fighting or we believe in the idea of "The 1" being the perfect person for us. They practise nothing wrong, and therefore, we never need to disagree; one fight or mistake must mean there's someone amend out in that location.

But compatibility and relationship success do not depend on whether or not you disagree but instead on how y'all recover from disagreements . No matter who your perfect lucifer is, they won't exist a robot (just a wild gauge!), then remember that both of you will make mistakes, bad days will come, and arguments volition happen. Pay attending to how your significant other reacts to those times. Do they mind to you, communicate finer, and never make the same fault twice? Do you both intendance more than well-nigh the relationship than nigh existence correct? Or practice you struggle with communication, hold onto resentment, and experience like every fight could be the end of the relationship? If your closeness doesn't bounciness back after arguments, you might exist forcing the connection.

4. Your PDA is more affectionate than in private

Every person and every relationship is different. Maybe you call back it's cheesy to post monthiversaries on Facebook and become embarrassed kissing in front of your friends, or possibly yous want the world to know how happy you are. No shame either way, merely you both should have just as much (or more than) individual displays of affection as you lot practice public. If the spark is in that location, you probably display affection by mere accident instead of overt PDA: exchanging smirks beyond the room, property hands under the table, or telling them how much you beloved them equally you get ready for bed at night.

Instead of making out in front of friends or displaying your love all over social media, you might publicly tease each other, brag about each other's accomplishments, and maybe steal a kiss or hug when you don't think anyone is looking. If your affection is more public than individual (for either or both of yous), your relationship might be more about proving something than how you feel internally.

v. You're hoping some things most them will alter

If y'all catch yourself thinking, this person would be perfect if only [insert thing hither]  or we'll accept a great relationship once they [insert modify here] , you're trying to force the spark. And forced sparks will never last. You don't always need to have the same values, beliefs, and attitudes, just y'all at least accept to understand, respect, and appreciate your differences. You lot should non have to modify them to love them. While we're on the topic, if y'all detect yourself blaming a lack of allure on a weird haircut or bad fashion sense, know that information technology probably won't change fifty-fifty if they get a new haircut or update their wardrobe. Physical attraction is about how your bodies connect, and you should feel a magnetic pull toward them and an undeniable allure that won't depend on changeable factors.

6. You don't trust them

Of course, questioning their loyalty is the biggest red flag (women's intuition is always correct). If you don't trust them to stay faithful, they are definitely not the one. Merely I'grand also talking about trusting them in other ways. If they're someone worth being with, you'll trust their opinions, value their input, and believe in who they are. You have faith in their honesty and don't question their integrity. They call when they say they volition and brand you lot feel safety when y'all're apart. A spark is dependent on attraction, aye, just it'due south as well nearly your connexion when y'all're not physically together.

7. You have to pretend to exist interested, or vice versa

Yous and your partner probably have many unlike interests. In fact, you should, because dating another y'all would be boring AF. No, you may not always exist interested in their passion or hobbies, but you lot should want to learn more considering you know how much it matters to them and you lot genuinely desire to be able to share what they dearest. On the other paw, you shouldn't have to pretend you don't beloved to heed to Broadway soundtracks in the automobile or feel like you lot can never talk nigh the latest mode trends because y'all know your partner won't care. They should want  to love everything you honey and talk about everything you want to. If their eyes glaze over when yous talk about your twenty-four hours or you don't care to ask nearly their newest hobby, the spark might not be there.

eight. You can picture a life with them, simply it doesn't excite you lot

Just because y'all can picture a life together does non always mean it'southward right for you. When you think near what a human relationship, having a home, starting a family, or growing old with this person would be like, is it the fantasy that'south more exciting or actually doing it all with them? Not to exist cliché and quote a rom-com (JK, I always quote rom-coms), but "when yous realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, yous want the residuum of your life to showtime every bit soon as possible." A lifetime with them should be exciting.

If the spark is at that place, yous'll wait forward to every next step and see yourselves happily together at 80 years erstwhile. If you're forcing a spark, y'all won't be excited about a life with them or you'll be more than excited about the large life events (a wedding, buying a business firm, having babies, etc.) and won't be able to flick just the 2 of you together, 50 years from now.

9. Yous don't take a good friendship

If you're not laughing, joking, and enjoying even unromantic time together (like running errands, cleaning the business firm, or walking the dog), your "spark" might just be an illusion based on physical chemistry or relationship newness but is non a lasting connection. Aren't the all-time friendships the ones that make y'all featherbrained for no reason and keep you laughing? If you're going to spend your life with someone, it better be the best friendship you lot've ever had. Your partner should bring out your silliest self because that'due south how you know they're going to keep you laughing when things get tough, boring, or mundane. Now that's  a spark.

10. You only feel expert about them in certain environments

Maybe you take fun hanging out with their nieces and nephews, only you're constantly cringing when your partner is effectually your family because they don't fit in. Or maybe you call up you love them during date nights but tin can't stand being around them on Lord's day morn when yous're lounging at home. Rather than get distracted by the times you lot do feel proficient about them, focus on the times when y'all don't. Love is inconvenience; it's caring well-nigh something when it's not piece of cake to do so. If your feelings for them are strong in some environments but missing in others, the spark is just an illusion based on external factors.

11. You lot don't feel prophylactic or respected

We often misfile "a spark" with a lot of other emotions. Comfort, addiction, and infatuation are the common ones that often go misidentified as love. While love can feel addicting, the deviation betwixt actual addiction and just addiction-like qualities of love is that with healthy love (AKA a lasting spark), in that location's also respect, trust, and commitment. If you're only addicted to a person (a quick spark), it will feel more than like attaining "highs" at any toll.

Likewise, the deviation betwixt a comfortable love and a dearest for the sake of condolement is the feeling of safety. With a comfortable love, y'all'll feel safety and trust no matter what. If you're in a relationship for the sake of comfort, you lot'll experience uncomfortable whenever y'all're not with them, out of lack of trust in them or the human relationship. Realize what love feels like, and don't mistake it for anything else.

12. You're not on the same page

We put confusing definitions and stories around what "chemical science" really means, but the truth is that having a spark just means beingness on the same page: in sense of humor, in intimacy, in values, and in what you lot want out of the relationship. If there is a genuine spark, ane that will last when the newness fades, you won't have to question whether or not information technology'southward there considering you'll both but know. A soulmate, the one, or even just someone worth spending fourth dimension with volition never feel forced. Fifty-fifty when the human relationship feels difficult (considering it will), loving each other never will be. And then if something feels "off," that's considering it is.